Watanuki Tries to Make Domeki Laugh
by LunarLight2005
Summary: The title say's it all, but you should know it has another name. The Lecherous Old Man. Confused? Maybe you should read it and find out. Come on what do you have to lose? It's only a story.


_Disclaimer:We would like to point out it's impossible for us to own xXxHolic or Legal Drug for that matter. On the other hand we do claim ownership of the Lecherous Old Man and this messed up plot. Thanks and review. Now on with the story._

**_Watanuki Tries to Make Domeki Laugh_**

**_Or the Lecherous Old Man_**

**by Lunarlight2005, aka _Lightdragon1987 and Shooby_**

"Watanuki-kun, you're so funny!" Himawari commented, laughing as Watanuki sputtered in indignation, "Don't you think he's funny, Domeki?"

"Yeah..." Domeki responded, "Idiots are very amusing."

"I am not an idiot!"

"I was right!" Himawari cried, throwing her arms into the air, "You two are becoming a comedy act, aren't you? When can I see your show?"

"We're not putting on a show!" Watanuki protested, "I would never share a sidewalk with that jerk, let alone a stage!"

"But..." Himawari asked, confused, "Don't you two walk home together?"

"No, well..." Watanuki stuttered, "That jerk follows me!"

"I don't follow you," Domeki muttered, "If I were following you, I wouldn't be stupid enough to let you see me."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Watanuki asked angrily, "Do you follow me, then? What the hell! I'm being stalked!"

"Are you really accusing me of stalking you?" Domeki glared, "Just because I said you wouldn't catch me, doesn't mean that I'm actually stalking you."

"Then why are you always around me?" was Watanuki's retort.

Domeki smirked, "Maybe it's hitzusen."

"I get enough of that from Yuko," Watanuki growled, "Don't you start now!"

Meanwhile, Himawari continued to watch her friends, enjoying what she assumed was their "latest act."

"Domeki-kun, it's amazing how you keep a straight face throughout all of this..." Himawari commented quietly.

"What do you mean?" he asked, turning away form a fuming Watanuki.

"Well, Watanuki-kun is very funny.."

"Do you really think so, Himawari-chan?" Watanuki asked, practically floating.

"A minute ago you were upset that she called you funny. Now you're happy?" Domeki asked, irritated.

"Well, the ogre shows some emotion," Watanuki had an uncharacteristic smirk, "I kind of like this side of you, Domeki. Makes you ugly."

"What the hell do you mean by that?" Domeki asked, his anger growing.

"You're always so freaking perfect!" Watanuki cried, "Everyone always loves you! You're always this stoic, handsome athlete and it pisses me off! What the hell is your problem? Don't you feel anything like the rest of the human race?"

"The freak is telling me _I'm_ not human..." Domeki muttered.

"This is all so life-like!" Himawari smiled, "You are very good actors!"

"I've had enough of this!" Watanuki yelled. _'She's so cute... why does she have to be so... clueless?'_

"I'm still amazed that you aren't smiling, Domeki-kun," Himawari said, "I just can't stop!"

"If it was funny, then maybe I'd smile," Domeki responded.

"Yeah, right... like you'd smile at anything," Watanuki grumbled dejectedly.

"I smile..." Domeki said quietly.

"At what? Little old ladies getting run over? Children dying of cancer? Your mother falling and breaking her back!"

"Do you think I'm some sort of monster!" he felt betrayed in some way, "After all the times I've had to save you!"

Watanuki sputtered.

"Is that true, Watanuki-kun?" Himawari asked, "That's wonderful! Domeki-kun is really a great friend, isn't he?"

"Fine..." Watanuki growled, "If you really do laugh, then how come I've never seen you?"

"You're not looking hard enough," Domeki responded.

"What the hell does that mean?" Watanuki asked.

"It means that when I laugh, I don't laugh like you do."

"How the hell do you laugh then?"

"On the inside..." and he casually walked away.

"That's not an answer!" Watanuki screamed after him, "Where the hell is he going, anyway?" he turned to Himawari.

"Oh, Domeki-kun has archery practice today," Himawari answered, "Are you going to miss him walking you home?"

"NOOOOOOO!"

_**xXxholic The break.**_

"I can't believe that jerk," Watanuki muttered as he angrily swept the floor of Yuko's shop, "Telling me I'm not human... well, at least I have emotions. That asshole doesn't even change facial expressions, he just looks bored all the time... and for some reason people find that attractive..." his face lit up, "Maybe, if I could just crack that mask he puts up, people will stop worshiping him!" His eyes watered as he envisioned his beautiful plan.

"What are you talking to yourself about now?" Yuko interrupted his thoughts of glory.

"Talking to yourself! Talking to yourself!" Maru and Moro chimed together, dancing happily.

"Oh, cut it out," Watanuki responded, "I'm just thinking of a way to get that damn Domeki to smile for once in his life..."

"Oh, that's so sweet," Yuko exclaimed, "I knew you two would find love eventually!"

"What? No!" Watanuki protested, "I don't love that jerk! I just want to ruin his reputation!"

Yuko tapped a thoughtful finger against her lip, "Ah, well, if that's the case, Watanuki, I would be careful if I were you."

"What? Why?"

"Because once you crack someone's mask, you're never quite sure what will show up on the other side."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he asked angrily, throwing a hand over his eyes.

Yuko's serious face crumbled as she began chuckling, "Oh, you'll see!" she pointed at her employee, "Now go ahead to the store and bring back some beer for tonight's dinner!"

"Yeah, sure," Watanuki grumbled, and he took off his apron as Mokona jumped onto his head shouting, "Beer! Beer!"

"Get off of my head," Watanuki shouted, trying to pick up the black fur-ball.

"Watanuki-kun needs to go to the store!" Maru shouted.

"Watanuki-kun needs to get beer!" Moro reiterated.

"OK, OK, I've got it," he walked out of the store, Mokona still gripping his hair.

"Don't forget to bring the pipe-fox spirit with you, Watanuki!" Yuko shouted from the doorway.

Watanuki finally managed to pry Mokona off of his head and push the creature back in the direction of the store, "I'm just going to the store," Watanuki said to himself, "There's no reason to trudge back to Yuko's," and he ignored his employer's warning and continued on his way.

Arriving at Green Drug Store a few minutes later, Watanuki made his way inside and went straight to the alcohol. "Which beer does she like again?" he asked himself aloud.

"Can I help you find something?" a tall, skinny young man asked.

"Oh," Watanuki responded, "I just forgot what kind of beer my employer likes... I'll remember eventually."

"Are you Watanuki-kun, by any chance?" a shorter man with glasses appeared beside him, his gaze friendly, "Go on, Kazahaya, I'll take care of our customer here."

"You're not going to do something illegal, are you?" asked Kazahaya, before rolling his eyes and walking away.

The man with glasses chuckled, "So, are you Watanuki-kun?"

"What did he mean by that?" Watanuki asked, refusing to answer the question.

The man with glasses waved his hand, dismissing the subject, "Oh, he's just a little paranoid. I'm sure you can relate, Watanuki-kun."

"Who are you?" Watanuki asked, "And how do you know my name?"

"Oh, I'm Kakei," the shop-owner responded, "and Yuko-san's told me all about you."

"How do you know Yuko-san?" Watanuki asked.

"Yuko-san and I are in the same business," Kakei said, "Although we specialize in a more... tangible field."

"So, wait..." Watanuki hesitated, "Did you, by any chance, supply Yuko-san with that vase?"

A moment passed with neither moving nor speaking.

"So, you're looking for Yuko-san's favorite beer, right?" Kakei asked suddenly, changing the subject.

Watanuki hung his head in defeat, "Yeah, I am."

"I believe she enjoys this brand," Kakei handed him a case of beer, "and you'll probably need this for her hangover tomorrow," he handed Watanuki a bottle of pills, "and she's probably going to want some warm sake after the beer," another bottle was piled into Watanuki's arms, "and this is her favorite tobacco," a final packet was placed on top of the pile, and Watanuki attempted to reach into his pocket for his money.

"Oh, no," Kakei smiled, "I couldn't accept Yuko-san's money."

"Oh, well, thank you," Watanuki blushed and began to walk away.

"Just tell her that she owes me a favor now," Kakei called behind him, causing Watanuki to almost drop his parcels.

"Um, yeah... I'll let her know."

Watanuki left the shop dejectedly.

"Who was that?" Saiga wrapped his arms around Kakei from behind and nuzzled into his neck.

Kakei smiled and turned in Saiga's arms, "Oh, just another lost soul," and his smile widened as both Kazahaya and Rikuo came into view, "Just another lost soul."

Walking away from Green Drug Store, Watanuki tentatively sniffed the air. "What's that smell?" he pulled the bags he was holding closer to his nose, thinking that perhaps the beer he had purchased had spilled. "No..."

Stopping suddenly, Watanuki saw an old man hunched over the ground in front of him.

"Hey, are you alright?" Watanuki asked, reaching out a hand.

"I am now, you pretty little thing," the old man straightened, his breath reeking of alcohol as he came closer to Watanuki.

"Um, uh..." Watanuki stuttered, backing up quickly and promptly dropping the bags in his hand.

"Oh, come on," the old man had graying hair under his nose and..._ inside_ his nose and ears, and yet none resided on top of his head. He was wearing a Western style suit that appeared very old and worn. "I won't bite... unless you want me to," he winked, his eyes crinkling.

"What the hell?" Watanuki gasped, "Why does this crap keep happening to me?"

"Probably because you're soooo _pretty_," the old man continued to stumble toward Watanuki, his smile growing wider and a tad too lecherous for Watanuki's taste.

"Back off!" Watanuki screamed, "Are you for real?"

That question seemed to stop the old man for a moment. "Well," he responded after a minute, "That depends on what you consider real."

"Great," Watanuki groaned, "Another spirit after me! And even if I scream for help, no one will help me and they'll think I'm crazy because no one can SEE YOU!" he pointed toward the old man, his voice rising.

"You don't have to yell," the old man placed a finger in his ear, "It's kind of a turn-off."

Watanuki sat stunned for a moment.

"SO I JUST HAVE TO YELL REALLY LOUD AND YOU'LL LEAVE ME ALONE?" Watanuki growled loudly.

"I didn't say that..." the old man winked, and promptly pulled out a set of earplugs from his pocket.

"NOO!" Watanuki screamed, "Where the hell did a spirit get earplugs!"

"I was an insomniac before I died," the man commented, "The earplugs helped to block out unwanted noises."

"I didn't really want to know, damn it!"

"Well, you did ask..." the old man slapped his hands together, "Now, shall we get started?" and he promptly straddled the startled teen.

"You look so cute like this," the old man whispered, "Now, gimme a kiss!"

"NOOOOOO!"

A large shadow suddenly fell over the two, and Watanuki looked up and groaned. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I'm taking a walk. What are you doing with a ghost straddling you?"

"Getting raped, apparently," Watanuki grumbled as the spirit of the old man tried to tear open his shirt.

"These kinds of situations just seem to follow you, don't they?"

"Shut up or help me, Domeki," Watanuki responded, suppressing a shiver as he felt the cool air on his skin.

"You look like you're enjoying yourself," Domeki smirked as Watanuki unsuccessfully attempted to smother a low groan.

"It's called a fucking erogenous zone!" Watanuki stuttered as the old man kissed his collarbone.

"You sure you want to give that up?" Domeki asked casually.

"YES!"

"Fine," Domeki paused for a moment, "But... how should I get rid of him?"

"You're a priest!" Watanuki shouted, "Exorcize the damn thing!"

"How? I've only pulled it off with arrows so far," Domeki sat down, placing his chin in his hand, thinking. "Maybe I should go ask Yuko-san."

"Don't leave me here!" Watanuki protested, "Besides, she'll charge you up the ass for information like that! Just write up a... a sutra or something!"

"You think that'd work?" Domeki looked up.

"Sure, why the hell not?" Watanuki moaned as the spirit's hands wandered lower, "It's not like... I'm in a fucking hurry or anything!"

"If you don't stop that language, young man," the spirit looked up from his task, "I won't be able to hold out much longer."

Watanuki let out a long, pain-filled scream.

"If I help you, will you shut up?" Domeki asked, his hands over his ears.

"Yes, yes!" Watanuki yelled out.

The old man, misinterpreting Watanuki's shouts, smiled widely, "I'm pretty good at this, huh?"

Domeki chuckled, "OK, I just need to get a piece of paper and a pen..."

"What?" Watanuki yelled, "No! Just use... use anything!"

Domeki shrugged and picked up Watanuki's discarded shirt, and began fishing through the pockets. After a minute or so he found a packet of tobacco and opened it up. "You smoke?"

"What? No!" Watanuki protested, squirming impatiently, "That's Yuko's!"

"Hopefully she won't mind if I use it as a writing utensil..." and Domeki began sprinkling the tobacco over Watanuki's shirt, the lines sinking into the material as though sewn in.

"You should hope this works," Domeki said, "And if it does, I want an unagi bento box tomorrow."

"Fine! Just... hurry up! Go faster!" Watanuki cried out.

"Oh, so you want a quickie, eh?" the old man winked and reached straight for Watanuki's pants.

"HURRY UP YOU BASTARD!"

Domeki casually threw the shirt over the old man's head...

"Hey, when'd it get to be night?" the old man questioned before letting out a pain-filled shriek and dissipating.

The ruined shirt fell on top of Watanuki's panting form.

"God damn it."

"I know how you must feel," Domeki said, sitting beside his classmate.

"What? Really?" Watanuki asked, surprised at Domeki's sincere tone.

"Yeah.. To be left unsatisfied like that," Domeki shook his head in understanding.

"You are such a pervert!" Watanuki yelled angrily, sitting up and attempting to put his shirt back on.

"Says the boy who was just mauled by the ghost of an old man..."

"That wasn't my fault!"

"Are you sure?" Domeki stroked his chin, "I mean... you could've fought back."

Watanuki stopped his struggling with his shirt, a surprised look on his face. "Huh?"

"You could've kicked the guy off of you. He may be a ghost, but he was corporeal for you."

"I was being raped!" Watanuki screamed, "I can't exactly think during something like that!"

"Can't you think at all?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"If you don't know by now, you haven't been paying attention," Domeki responded casually.

"What the hell..."

"Just stop right there."

Watanuki grumbled something under his breath dejectedly. _'I should probably thank him,' _he thought, _'But then he'll be even more annoying and smug... but, if I do thank him sincerely, maybe that mask will crack and I'll finally get a reaction out of him!'_

"Listen, Domeki..."

The stoic teen faced his classmate.

"Thank you. Really, I mea n it."

Domeki turned away, and Watanuki threw his arms up in victory...

"Thank me with that unagi.."


End file.
